-A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

-A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

-A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends it.

This morning during the pre-flight check in my car, I discovered my left turn indicator lights weren’t working. The right ones were fine but the left signals were malfunctioning in the front and back. Since I was running late to work, I left anyway but decided to make only right turns all the way to work.

I plotted my course where I had to overshoot roads just so I could come back where I needed to be by turning right at an intersection further down. It took a little figuring but I finally made it to work. I was over an hour late but I was still able to enforce my policy of using my blinker at every turn.

The bus stop, in front of the Benrath Senior Centre in the western city of Düsseldorf, is an exact replica of a standard stop, with one small difference: buses never stop there.

The idea emerged after the centre was forced to rely on police to retrieve patients who wanted to return to their homes and families but had forgotten that in many cases neither existed any longer.

“If we can’t find them then we have to alert the police,” said Benrath’s director Richard Neureither. “It can be particularly dangerous if this happens in winter and they spend the night out in the cold.”

Without powers to detain patients, he said, Benrath had been forced to look for other solutions.

“We cannot and must not run after people and lock them up,” said Mr Neureither.

Instead, Benrath home teamed up with local care association called the ‘Old Lions’. They went to the Rheinbahn transport network which was happy to provide the bus stop to nowhere.

“It sounds funny,” said Old Lions Chairman Franz-Josef Goebel, “but it helps. Our members are 84 years-old on average. Their short-term memory hardly works at all, but the long-term memory is still active. They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home.” The result is that errant patients now wait for their trip home at the bus stop, before quickly forgetting why they were there in the first place.

“We will approach them and say that the bus is coming later today and invite them in to the home for a coffee,” said Mr Neureither. “Five minutes later they have completely forgotten they wanted to leave.” The idea has proved so successful that it has now been adopted by several other homes across Germany.

Here’s a list of modifications I will make to the car after I get it home.

- Adapt the windshield with the same technology as the Joo-Janta 500 Super-Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses, they become opaque when the driver gets scared.

- install a BFG9000 behind the headlights. For when the horn isn’t enough to get someone out of the way.

- obtain a cloaking device provided by the Romulan government under a special amendment to the Treaty of Algeron.

- cobble together an FSQ Primary Force Field and Deflector Control System to keep idiots from scratching the paint.

- purchase a neurogenic dampening field to disable the morons that don’t use their blinker or generally piss me off. I hear repairs are costly to counteract the field’s effects.

- tailgater’s will be in for a surprise when I activate the oil slick and tire puncturing system behind the license plate. Somehow I don’t think they’ll be able to keep up with me after that.

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1. On the way home from work, leave the radio turned off.  It’s nice and relaxing.
2. When you’re tired and down, run 5 miles. It will change your attitude.
3. It’s nice when someone makes you popcorn.  Even if its burnt.
4. Raw snap peas are delicious, eat them like candy.
5. You can have a casual style and still have a lot of class.
6. Tomorrow is another day.

*now I just need to put some of these things into practice